Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
