So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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