I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
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I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
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I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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