I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I stole a fireplace last night.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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