We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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