If that was your dad, he is hot
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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