Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
