Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
