I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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