Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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