Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
