Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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