It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
did i just pee glitter
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
