He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
