I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
how do flat chested girls get laid?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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