Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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