i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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