This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
