I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
