yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
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Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
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her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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