I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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