You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
