My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
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After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
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Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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