So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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