If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
