i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Randomize
