Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
