I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
