Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
