I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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