if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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