I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
