The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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