I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
