My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
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