I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Randomize
