Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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