I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
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I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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