am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
