and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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