How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
be right there i have to get my cape
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
