I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
