you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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