someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
