OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
