it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
