doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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