They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
