I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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