I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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