it wasn't lemon gatorade
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
