I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
