When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
