There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
