had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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