I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I think I just shit out all my problems.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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