I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
There r osticjed everywhere
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
