Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
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I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
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all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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